It's Beginning to Look A lot Like Christmas...For Parents.

The 2nd weekend of December is a wonderful time to fully wrap one's gingerbread head around the following:

Lightyears away from the Sit-Still Dinner

With a daughter turning 4 in January and her sister turning 2 in March, my wife and I are used to tossing and turning at suppertime. And "time" is a real brain and belly buster. There does not really feel like a true beginning or end to dinner. I'm usually trying to accelerate through the feeding, while my wife leap frogs around the table, the floor, or whatever other surface we find ourselves feasting upon. Our girls do not priortize dinner. In fact, I'm not sure they acknowledge it as a legitimate meal. Breakfast, lunch, snack.

On Friday night, we traveled to the Boulevard Grill. It was my wife's work's Christmas party. It was a merry room of family, friends, co-workers, and our children. Toy Story 2 and then Toy Story 3 were the feature films during this culinary conquest. It kept our daughters' attention and gave us precious time to dine. We could have asked the waitress to turn the TV off so we could fully enjoy conversation without any mass media distractions.

We didn't do that because we are not insane.

The opening sequence to Toy Story 3 is one of the greatest intros in the history of cinema.


Home Invasion

When I was a kid, elves stayed at the North Pole. There was an allure. There was a magical disconnect between man and elf. Now - in times like these - I wish I did not have a shelf.

There Will Be Blood

We entered a friend's home for a Christmas Pajama Party on Saturday night. Kids ate sugar for dinner and ran around. Parents told stories, ranging from cute to horror, loosely monitoring the children. As the sugar kicked in and bedtime drew near, the children became savages. Think Lord of the Files with Santa.

Inevitably, a 3-year-old girl got a bloody lip. How she "got" it is not exactly known due to the loose supervision and the fact that savages lack integrity.


There Will Be Cantaloupe

Kids love fruit. At the end of the Pajama Party, only one fruit remained. The Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe at a 4th of July picnic? I'm in. Cantaloupe at Christmas?  I watched the hostess shovel it right into the garbage can. Can you imagine a parent doing that to blueberries?  No, because that would draw outrage from both parents and kids:

"Oh my goodness, she just threw out blueberries?  Should we go see if she is okay?"

Overall, it was a great fruit spread. My soon-to-be 2- year- old ate the last raspberries, strawberries, and blackberries. You know how people hesitate to finish a dish at a party?  She isn't one of those people.

Remember she was one of the savages in the room when blood was shed.

There Will Be USA Today

The Pajama Party played off the idea of breakfast for dinner, which was genius, even if my kids do not understand what "dinner" truly is. Their Webster definition of dinner is:

Dinner (Noun, aka Annoyance): a designated thing from my parents that doesn't make any sense and is a thing I am going to make difficult.

The Pajama meal was a great breakfast or dinner or thing. I joked about the idea of having newspapers available next year to reduce the "loose" supervision to "no" supervision. "Sorry kids, I am reading my favorite section of the USA Today. That page where you read about one thing that has happened in each state. Now, go downstairs and wrestle like there's no tomorrow."


For today - for all parents - be thankful for your children and all the blessings that make Christmas a jolly good time.

Fa La La La La Fever

"Twas the night before December, amoxicllin all through the house
Our children were stirring like two crazy ruffed grouse 
The stockings were hung, there were clothes all over the floor
Me hopes that a cleaning service walks through thy front door
No one was nestled, No one was snug
We all could use a big fat Santa hug 
Visions of sugar plums were not in our heads 
Why are there stickers in all of our beds?
Mom does not have a kerchief, I have a thinking cap
Let us all try to take an all-as-one glorious nap
Our brains are unsettled, there is nonsensical chatter
Mom is making pierogies to put on a platter
The girls run around, frolicking in a flash
The youngest is stricken with some sort of rash
The moon is out, thank God there is not snow
Sunday in the 60s? Golfing I go?
When, what to my wandering eyes should appear
But, a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer
With a little old driver, so lively and quick
I'm hallucinating, we surely are sick!
More rapid than an eagle, I swear that he came
He whistled, and shouted, "Dad, you're insane!"
Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer! Now Vixen!
We must leave now, I do not have the power for fixin
Good luck, Santa said as he took off from the porch
It feels like Survivor, everyone grab their torch
Goodbye Santa, we will see you on Christmas Day
We will be back to full health, this I do pray
God has been good to us, and for that we are blessed
The life of a parent, grateful and stressed
Goodnight Johnstown, may your December be merry and bright
Always be thankful, for each day brings new light

Turkey Top 10

Thanksgiving is not a day, it's a season. Tis the Top 10 of Turkey Time:

10. Party like a Pilgrim

Our Thanksgiving began on Tuesday when we had turkey dinner at my 3-year-old's school. Geneva House was our Plymouth Rock. The children sang a song and everyone was filled with joy. Then, we filled our tummies. Then, the children ran around the room like turkeys with their heads cut off.

I imagine the first Thanksgiving was much like this scene. Young pilgrims, hopped up on the first feast, started throwing acorns at each other. The parents did little to calm their young pilgrims as they were busy eating pumpkin roll.

At one point, I looked inside my daughter's headgear, that of a Native American, and I read the words, "Love, Brian". She had left it on our Thanksgiving table. Astonished, I approached the educators. Who is this Brian? Allegedly, the 4-year-olds assisted in the fashioning of the head pieces, gifting them to the 3-year-olds. Well, well, well...

"Watch your pilgrim hands, Brian. Watch em." 

9. Thanksgiving Eve

We had a small gathering at our house in preparation for Thursday. Thanksgiving artwork completed by yours truly and my 3-year-old was on display. It was an autumn art gallery for the ages and for all ages.

8. Squirrel Chase

On Thanksgiving morning, our tribe visited my aunt and uncle. At one point, my uncle exited his home with no announcement. Then, we saw him sprinting into the street. His mission - scare the squirrels away from the bird feeder. In the civilized world, you are allowed to protect your bird feed from squirrel scoundrels; however, if you are simply chasing squirrels, that's psychotic. The bird feeder keeps you out of the asylum. "Oh dear, Ed's in our yard chasing squirrels...Oh wait, he has a bird feeder, that makes sense."

7. Shout for Sprouts

I know I'm getting older when I have to put brussel sprouts in my Top 10 list. The usual vegetable suspects were present at Thanksgiving dinner, but a brussel sprout dish stole the holiday. My wife's cousin made a sprout spectacular. I don't usual swear in blogs, but those were damn good sprouts.

6. Deer Chase

On Thanksgiving evening, my wife and I were leaving the house and 5 doe were in our neighbor's yard. I instinctly decided to chase them out and drive them up the hill. My mission was to push them toward Stackhouse Park and make my wife laugh watching such antics. I fired off the porch and the startled deer stormed the street. The last of the Mohicans hit a patch of ice and baseball slid into the curb. In this moment, I froze in horror. Standing like a deer in headlights, I was mortified. This doe, probably a mother, painfully ate curb. My wife immediately announced "broken ribs" as if she practiced veterninary medicine. The deer stumbled to her hooves and embarrsingly darted up the hillside. I had to ponder whether my stunt was worth it or if the deer would die of internal bleeding. Alas, I did my job. Deer got up the hill. My wife got a good laugh - not from my sprint, but from how mortified I stood in the middle of the street.

Moral of the story, I would be a terrible hunter.

5. Chimp Chase

Later than night, my father-in-law and I watched a nature documentary about chimpanzees. At the same time in the same house, my daughters ripped off their shirts and made primal noises. It was a documentary within a documentary.

 4. Oh Christmas Tree

The Friday after Thanksgiving is reserved for putting up the Christmas tree. My 3-year-old loves it. My wife loves that she loves it. I'm fine with leading the exercise. Who really knows what my 1-year-old loves. I think she thinks its fine. The best exchange this year:

Daughter: "Dad, here is the cucumber"

Dad: "That's a pickle"

Daughter: "No, it's a cucumber"

Every year we put a cucumber ornament on the Christmas tree.

3. Oh High School

I attended my wife's 15 year high school reunion on Friday night. I played the role of supportive husband and enemy - this was a Bishop McCort reunion and I had a Westmont Hilltop diploma. I was immediately judged.  "Haha, Westy pride and power", Crushers said in unision. A couple of kids even tried to kick me, but I'm elusive.

None of that really happened. It was a good time. I'm so glad high school is over.

2. Rise and Fall

At 7:15 AM on Saturday, 8 men played basketball. You know you are getting older when you schedule to play basketball at 7:15 AM on a Saturday. Years ago, this would have been a preposterous concept for this group of athletes. But in 2018, it was perfect.  After the game, we all ate brussel sprouts.

When I got home around 9 AM, I slipped on the ice and fell Looney Tunes style on the sidewalk. This completed the soreness process.

1. The Big Finish

After basketball and my elbow drop on the ice, we invited over a bunch of friends. All of them were parents. All of them brought their children. Inside our house, there were 12 children between the ages of 3 months and 5 years old. The best way to describe it is think Squirrel Chase meets Deer Chase meets Chimp Chase and all the parents are drinking coffee.

Thanksgiving is not a day, it's a season.

And, that's not a cucumber, it's a pickle!

Movie Review: The Grinch

Historically, I do not like the idea of Christmas cheer before Thanksgiving, but sometimes you have to bundle up and head to Whoville in November with your 3-year-old. Please enjoy this Dad review from our screening @ Westwood Plaza and Theatre.

Before entering the theatre, I take an obligatory photo of my daughter and The Grinch movie poster. Happy child poses with miserable green creature.

We order our food and our reward was a magical candle. This candle symbolizes that our grub is on the way. This Westwood Plaza tradition dates back to the 17th century.

My 3-year-old creature knocks over the candle. Shards of glass mix with fallen popcorn. I describe the tragedy to a teenage worker. He points me toward the janitorial corner. I emerge with a dust pan and industrial broom. I emerge a hero. The previews have not started.

My cousin and her 2nd grade daughter arrive. We share a row. I've made this point before, but it's worth repeating - when taking kids to a movie theatre, you need 2 seats per person. So, on this evening, we had 8 seats to choose from.

During the previews, the 2nd grader drops her popcorn somewhere between seats 2-4. There is no way I can approach the teenage worker and deliver another mishap story. I refuse to go back into the janitoral corner. My cousin escapes to get more popcorn. The majesty of bottomless popcorn.

The Grinch finally arrives. It feels like we have been in popcorn row for an hour. One of my first questions is how did The Grinch become a dog owner?  They must not do background checks in Whoville. I also imagine that The Grinch is one of those people who says, "Having a dog is like having a kid". That's pure nonsense. Having a kid is like having 101 Dalmatians. 

The Grinch proves to be committed to physical fitness. His electric pink workout clothes spark my daughter's attention and my memory.  I have only bought my daughter one outfit. It was a pink and purple Nike workout suit. I bought it for her months before she was born. It was a 2T. I had no idea what "2T" meant when I bought it. Thank you, Macy's. The "T" in "2T" stands for Terrific.

There is a screaming goat in The Grinch. This alpine animal is not important in the plot, but the Illumination brain trust made the right call. "Kids will love a screaming goat. Find a way to get the screaming goat into the script. Move aside, Benedict Cumberbatch"

My daughter loves music so she was pleasantly surprised by The Grinch as a piano player. I will not call him a pianist. I will not call him a pianist because children will easily misinterpet pianist. Amazingly, my 3-year-old did not have to go potty during the movie. Winner, winner, popcorn dinner!

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, Johnstown. Take care of your kids and dogs and any other creatures in your humble abode.

Forever Running

As long as I can remember, I've been running. Once I learned how to get on my feet, the overall impression was that I liked to keep a steady pace. I gravitated toward sports, jailbreak, and getting enough speed to jump over the bushes. From grade school to high school to college, I kept running. I was no longer jumping over bushes, but there always seemed to be a hurdle I was determined to get over.

Gavin Gladding was a runner too. On September 16th of this year, he laced up for the last time. I learned about his final run on the morning of November 3rd as I laced up for my final road race of 2018. Morley's Run has been my 5-mile autumn challenge for the past seven Novembers.

Standing in the cold before the race, I got an extra chill learning about Gavin; learning that runs across the country, including Morley's, would be dedicated in his memory. He was a victim of a hit-and-run. He left behind two kids and a wife. After a moment of silence, the Morley's herd took off.

Like on most runs I go on, my mind swirled with thoughts. Often, my brain seems to race harder than my feet. Attacking the final mile, I saw a dedication sign for Gavin. It was time to pick up the pace. There at the finish line were my two kids and wife. I could hear them cheering for me before I could see them. They will never know how much I appreciate those cheers.

In the days after the race, I've thought about Gavin a lot. I never met him, but I think we would have enjoyed each other's company. Reading about his life - being a running Dad; having a passion for helping kids; being a champion of the great outdoors - I saw ... I see much of  myself in him. His obituary states "Gavin believed in experiential learning, for his own children, his students, and for himself." That's a defining sentence that this writer absolutely believes.

When I started this blog a little over 2 years ago, I was not sure what it would become. Like runs, each writing is different; each with its own unique adrenaline pump; each and every one, all 88 of them, read by my wife before reaching others. She is my editor and best friend. She loathes running, but loves my writing. I once convinced her to run a 5K with me. We have not ran together since, but I'll never forget her crossing that finish line.

I look forward to the runs ahead and chasing after my daughters with my wife - that's a true marathon. As the miles, blogs, and years add up, I hope to live out Gavin's belief; to learn through experience. Across the country, his life was celebrated this running season. In the races ahead, I'll try to keep his memory on my mind, but who knows where my feet will take my brain.

Experience your community. Be a good neighbor. Hug your wife and kids (even if you are sweaty at the finish line). Remember Gavin.

Halloween Top 10

With 2 kids, a loving wife, and a day off work, I could have created a Halloween Top 50 list; however, my kids would be neglected, my wife would not be feeling the love, and I'd be typing until Thanksgiving. So, here it is...my family will be in their Haloween costume character for the entire blog:

Dad - Shark
Mom - Swan
3-year-old - SuperWoman
1-year-old - Piglet

#10: "Why is everyone calling me THAT?"

After a full day of being called "Super Girl", SuperWoman had enough. Under the light of the moon on the stoop of a stranger, SuperWoman loudly asked this question. Outraged, she took her candy. Shark politely explained to the homeowners that his SuperWoman was not an egomaniac and quite simply dedicated to fighting crime.

#9: Shark Attack

With Swan behind the wheel, Shark saw a friend getting ready for Trick-or-Treat. We stopped the Subaru and Shark got out of the car in excitement. Shark exclaimed the whole family would be stopping by soon. Stepping back into the Outback, Shark awkwardly shut the door on his fin, located on the human skull. Shark did not realize he did this at first. Shark felt resistance putting on his seat belt. Swan laughed. Shark is an idiot.

#8: Piglet's Power Trip

During lunch at the Boulevard Grill, Piglet had a pre-nap mental breakdown. As Swan gave child psychology a whirl, Shark stared at a muted ESPN. The Green Bay Packers traded safety Ha Ha Clinton Dix. "If you don't calm down, you are going to be traded like Ha Ha Clinton Dix", Shark to Piglet (did not say, but should have).

#7 The Nap

It should be #1, but once we got home from lunch, the Halloween snooze was the treat of all treats. Shark, Swan, SuperWoman, and Piglet all got Zs at the same time. When Shark and SuperWoman awoke they did the obvious - drank a Yoo-hoo. Rich in calcium and Vitamin D, Yoo-hoo is a healthy alternative on Halloween.

#6 The Great Pumpkin Paint

Closing in on 70 degrees, our family gathered in the front yard to paint a white pumpkin. Piglet preferred to paint the sidewalk and had to be instructed to not paint the house. SuperWoman required no instruction and used an exorbitant amount of paint. Shark and Swan wandered the grounds looking for things to pick up.

#5 Fruit Island

Shark sends a desperate mid-Trick-or-Treat text to his parents. The message - prepare a fruit platter or we are never going to survive. In a race against time, strawberries, apples, and bananas provided a jolt of juiciness.

#4 Hundred Acre Wood

Upon arriving at a friend's abode, Piglet meets up with a 1-month-old Winnie the Pooh and a canine disguised as a donkey, a donkey named Eeyore. All three - pig, bear, and donkey - look somewhat uncomfortable, yet satisfied. SuperWoman runs through the grass disinterested in childish affairs.

#3 Snack Time

Shark, Swan, and Piglet get to experience Geneva Preschool along with other parents and offspring. Shark volunteers to pass out cupcakes, one of the greatest culinary creations. There is also a veggie tray during the snack time extravaganza. While Shark got to pass out cupcakes and see the joy in the eyes of children, someone else had to ask if anyone wanted cauliflower.

#2 The Spider Walk

After snack time, each preschooler had the opportunity to walk across a wooden beam. To the left and right, cobwebs, spiders, and certain death. The hallway was tight and full of family members. Shark held on to Piglet. Swan held on to memories. SuperWoman placed her feet on the beam. Her cape began to rise and then suddenly...she was gone. She flew out of the preschool to fight crime. We are so proud of her.

#1 Support the Troops

Maybe Swan's best idea ever - a wealth of our Trick-or-Treat candy is going overseas. SuperWoman and Piglet were not consulted on this decision. The Kit-Kats are headed to Kuwait! Years from now, SuperWoman and Piglet can read this blog and question Swan on why she decided to send their candy out of the country. "Girls, did you see that Ha Ha Clinton Dix retired?", Shark.

Alive on Sesame Street

On the last Friday of October, my family of four attended Sesame Street Live! @ 1st Summit Arena @ Cambria County War Memorial. Please enjoy this Dad review.

Spoiler Alert: The following blog contains plot details and storyline analysis. Proceed with caution. 

Part 1

Grover is first on stage. We are in "the pit". I could throw a football and hit Grover in his fuzzy blue head. I would never do such a thing, but this is how close we were to the neighborhood.

Music erupts early. A lot of people run around the stage. Abby Cadabby is a part of the human antics. There is some animated narrator on a big screen. A male resident of Sesame Street does a back-flip. Everything is bonkers. There is going to be a community party and there is a friendly discussion on what the theme should be - super hero or beach.

Big Bird jumps out of a video helicopter. He explains he is more like the penguin and ostrich.

Oscar the Grouch sings a terrific ballad about trash. I do not support his sentiments in regard to waste; however, his stinky song is catchy.

When Elmo comes on stage, kids lose their minds. He is the Elvis of Sesame Street. High-pitched and high-energy, the fuzzy red monster lights a fire under the kiddos.

My oldest daughter has to pee. Classic. My youngest daughter watches her mother and big sister scamper out of the "the pit". My youngest daughter cries as if she will never see them again. Cookie Monster explodes out of a gargantuan chocolate chip cookie. A fire is lit under me. I am pretty sure the hair stood up on my arms and I shouted, "YEAH COOKIE!" Apparently, Cookie Monster is my Elvis. It's 1988 all over again.

Intermission (Anarchy)

The purpose of intermission is to test parental stamina. Can you make it to Part 2 without spending money?  We did not. My wife bought my three-year-old a rich-woman's Sno-Cone, one of the easiest treats to enjoy (sarcasm). It could have been worse. What parent bought the $30.00 bubble machine? I want to scold you and thank you at the same time. Nothing brings strange children together like bubbles.

There is a ramp from the pit to the commoners. Security is light. Children run up and down the ramp about as irresponsibly as Bird Bird jumping out of a helicopter. We talk to a mother who has triplets. God help us all.

Grover announces the show will start back up soon. Parents beg Grover to start now. If I had a football, I may have thrown a tight spiral at his fuzzy blue head.

Part 2

Grover plays "Grover Says" on stage with some excited children and their frightened parents. I do not see how this connects to the neighborhood party plot and I am upset.

When Part 2 starts, it flies off the radar screen. It starts snowing. Giant inflattable balls attack the crowd. Lights are flashing everywhere. Everyone is singing and screaming. On the verge of brain freeze from a Sno-Cone no one wants to eat, I am determined to get my money's worth. Surveilance video would have shown a father with his head down using a plastic spoon as a pick axe.

"Sunny Day" takes me back and out of my Sno-Cone solitary confinement. Sesame Street was an instrumental part of my childhood. This show reminded me of the valuable lessons learned on Sesame Street. In a chaotic hour and a half, we learned about compromise, environmental consciousness, a second language, and the importance of community.

What we did not learn?  Where is Ernie? Where is Bert?  This is not 1988. This is 2018 and Ernie and Bert got squeezed out! If you would have told me 20 years ago that Sesame Street Live! would leave out Ernie and Bert, I would have told you to get a life.

The show ends with Oscar the Grouch yelling "SCRAM!"

Amen, Oscar. Amen. 

Be a good neighbor. Love your kids. Support your community. Don't buy Sno-Cones.