On Friday the 13th, I was a passenger in a van to the Pittsburgh Botanic Garden with a ticket to Dazzling Nights, an exploratory, seasonal extravaganza through enchanted wilderness. Combined with friends who are family, we were a team of four parents, two boys, two girls, and zero partridge. The van was so jampacked there could have been a pear tree growing in the middle row. Without further ado, a Top 10 of our light show lampoon:
#10: Light Show PreShow
To get the party started, the Squirrel Hill Tunnel never fails to offer a brake lights brillance. With the children eating pizza and doing assorted art projects, it gives Moms time to hunt and gather. They talk about layering while collecting items like palentologists on a van dig. The Dads criticize the architects of the Squirrel Hill Tunnel, who surely earned a lifetime of coal. They also eat pizza to stay strong and mighty.
#9: The Bundle
Upon arrival, I was the first person to get out of the van. This was after my fellow Dad drove through a holler that felt more like the terrain to The Grinch's abode than to anywhere in Pittsburgh. Once on foot, I surveyed the landscape while peering back at the van frenzy, which was a light show in itself. One of the Moms, not my wife, bought light up gloves for the kids from Amazon. I have never bought anything on Amazon. Ever. (reading Moms gasp in shock)
Let the walking begin. A 4th grader. Two 2nd graders. A kindergartener. Four adults in the prime of their lives. Teaching the children the magic of Christmas and driving 75 miles to walk. God Bless America.
#8: The Bumble
Before setting out on this expedition, my Internet research concluded that this holiday, botanic trail would be appproximately one mile of walking. In comparison, the surviving members of the Donner Party traveled 2,499 miles farther. And there light show consisted of the moon and the stars, and a wish that they would not have to resort to cannabilism before the journey was over.
Some wishes are not granted. Thankfully, we just had Papa Johns.
All the women in my family brigade wished to go pee before the walk. This led to two pheonoma - the never-ending line of the women's bathroom and the inability of young boys to stand still and wait. I sauntered into the men's bathroom and I could have done interpretative dance in there. The line to the women's bathroom snaked into the hallway like a desperate, frigid serpeant. When my wife exited the female throne (hours later), she looked like a security guard escorting two vandals (our children) to jail (The Great Outdoors).
I asked what happened in there and my wife answered with her eyes. At least they didn't have to eat each other. Meanwhile, the boys were using the high traffic sidewalk to punch the air and yell untranslatable commands at the botanic garden plants. When Jesus was born, I am sure there was some commotion.
#7: Holiday Hop
To begin our journey, everyone received a handheld map that illustrated 14 distinct dazzling regions. If we stayed the course, the trail would circle back to our starting point. If we did not, we would end up in Ohio. I concluded that our tribe did not really settle in until Region 6, Holiday Hop. Before that geographic point, we were scatterbrained and scattertrailed. Holiday Hop is where we found our true colors, lighting up circular lights on the ground by prancing all over them. Prior to that, the previous displays lacked a platform for self-serving aggression that both children and adults enjoy this time year.
Both our families participated in an entertaining game of light show cat and mouse. It was the high octane, laugh-out-loud silliness the Van Vortex 8 needed. Only one individual cried and that was because his brother is a barbarian.
#6: Snow & Glow
We took Holiday Hop momentum all the way to the snow machine. The snow machine provided a beautiful flurry that led to a flurry of photos. I overheard one woman lamenting that she should have waited and used this snowglobe scene for her Christmas card picture.
I walked up to her and told her the Donner Party never sent out a Christmas card.
Keep it moving.
#5: Eggnog for Clark
At about the halfway point of the expedition, there was a strategic hut of beverage. Feeling like Lewis and Clark Griswold, I got an eggnog with the option to spike it. Glory in the Garden. After buying my wife a simliar eggnog and an unspiked hot chocolate for my precious children to share, I filed for bankruptcy.
Through Amazon.
#4: Firefly Field
This was the most alluring attraction on our walk in the woods. Hundreds of lights dancing as if they were fireflies. It was a beautiful display that made me think about summer and how good this eggnog is. I wondered if the Dazzling Nights board thought about calling this region the Lightning Bug Boreal instead of Firefly Field. I lost supervision of my kids while in this wonder wander.
#3: Grand Finale
One of the last loops took us over a bridge and around a small pond. Entitled "Brilliance", it was appropriately named and sugar plums danced in my head. Moments later I staggered through neon green laser beams that kids thought were so cool. I found them to be disorienting and oppressive to my 40-year-old eyeballs.
Take your laser beams and your Instagram and your instant gratification needs and GET OFF MY LAWN. Where's the Tylenol?
#2: Live Music
After completing a triumphant loop, we actually circled back to the barn, completing extra mileage because we are wilderness warriors. The barn had my oldest daughter's favorite holiday food, the hot dog. There was also a musical man with a guitar playing Christmas classics. The other three parents set off to hunt and gather while I established dominon near the musician. I fortified my position, leaning on a high top table while I also kept track of the the little ones on this righteous mission. Multiple tasking.
While getting starry eyed listening to the tunes, I felt a tug on my vintage Christmas coat, passed down to me by a neighbor of my youth. I looked into the eyes of my kindergarten friend, the youngest of our team, and he gave me a big Christmas smile. As I was about to smile back he blurted out,
"I JUST WIPED MY BOOGIES ON YOU...REAL BOOGIES" (immediate wild laugh) (end scene)
#1: Together
On the van ride home, there was a lot of recapping and reliving our night on the trail. Gradually, everyone started drifting asleep. Some kids first. Then me. Then some more kids. Never the Dad driver (well done). When we arrived at our front porch, I carried my youngest daughter from the van as if she was wounded on a battlefield.
And the hoopla that is Christmas season can sometimes feel like a battle. There is so much to do and not enough time to do it. There are the countdowns, the colors, the concerts, the concerns, the chaos, and the craziness the season brings.
And then there are times where it is just nice to walk with your family and friends. To appreciate your health, the ability to get outside and on your feet. To share time with good people and make good memories. That is life's true light show.
As we make our way toward Christmas, walk, don't run. Slow it down and enjoy the view. Carry an attitude of gratitude like Santa carries his bag of toys. This trail leads to 2025 and let it be a happy and healthy expedition ahead.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Johnstown!
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