Trix Rabbit
"Silly rabbit? Let's reevaluate who is silly. In fact, from now on call me Serious Hare with a capital H. What are people doing? Have you been hanging out with the Cocoa Puffs bird? I've never experienced anything like this and I've been around awhile. Did you know I celebrated my 60th birthday last year? Remember 2019? It will be remembered as the year before everyone went coo coo.
Anyway, I'm thinking about running for President. Tony the Tiger is going to be my running mate. Literally, he loves to run. And, he has a habit of saying 'They're Grrrrrrrrrrreat', which apparently is a no fail way to build a base amongst you humans. Also, guess who would be the youngest candidate? 61 years young, kids.
Silly people, vote Serious Hare."
Sun-Maid Raisin Lady
"Good day. On my box it clearly reads 'Timeless and Trusted'. If there is anything California can count on, it is my Golden Raisins. In fact, what else on this earth is 'Timeless and Trusted' at this point? The only answer is my smiling face and the beaming sun behind me. If that sounds like the words of an egomaniac grape goddess, it is.
Do you know I am a cartoon creation of a real woman who was born in 1892? Look it up on Wikipedia (100% accuracy rate). My supreme confidence is from the fact that I have zero grams of added sugar and the same number of competitors. No one can compete with my raisins. And I don't talk about them being great because I don't have to. I pick the grapes. I bronze my body in the sun. I am loved.
William Taft was president when I started. Not a big raisin fan. Big, but not a big raisin fan. He probably would have enjoyed my Chocolate Yogurt Covered Raisins. Sorry Taft, didn't have those in 1912.
Once again, good day and I am loved."
Charlie The Tuna
"For those of you who don't know me, I'm the Starkist Tuna. I have glasses, a funny red hat, and I represent 'wild caught' tuna fish that somehow is squeezed into tiny pouches. The squeezing into the pouches is not done in the wild. It is done somewhere in Ecuador or maybe Pittsburgh, but not right by the water source. I think. Who knows? Who cares?
I'm sure there is a reason my name is 'Charlie', but again it goes back to not caring. This pandemic has really taken a lot out of me. I've not been sleeping well and I actually took my hat off for the first time since the end of the Vietnam War.
I respect the ambition of the hare and the grape lady, but I'll be honest. I'm tired. I don't want to run for anything. One, I can't. I swim. Two, like I previously stated, I'm tired.
I do have one thing to say before I go back to bed. Don't buy the StarKist Tuna Creations flavored as 'Ranch'. That is the purest form of disgusting.
Kodiak Cakes Bear
"I am the last interview and the least famous of the four. I'm from Park City, Utah and I make 'power cakes' for flapjacks and waffles. I think at one point in time I could have been marketed as 'All-American' but we might hibernate on that for now. My box talks about the frontier and axes. The photo of me on the box is gorgeously vicious. Just add water and I roar into your belly.
It sounds like there is a lot of roaring out there in that society of yours. I'll try to help you power through, but you can't eat your way though this. Too many flapjacks make Fat Jacks.
Seriously? C'mon, that was a joke. I'm a kodiak bear selling pancake mix. Please don't overeact. Okay, you already put it on social media. Wow, that was quick.
Well, I'll just read the side of my box and move on: 'Kodiak Cakes flapjack and waffle mix is meant for those of us who, like the rugged pioneers exploring the untamed wilderness, require nutrition, energy, and great taste to successfully navigate today's frontier'
What do you require? I recommend to pack your life with positivity, to treat everyone like you want to be treated, to share love, and laugh with those you love the most."
